Xmas jokes

[alicecoopersgirl]

Angel on the tree

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........

[alicecoopersgirl]

Christmas letter

Darling Son and That Person You Married:

Merry Christmas to you and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering that I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

[alicecoopersgirl]

Santa without his prozac

Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
- Santa

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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
- Santa

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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the reindeer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a bottle of Jaegermeister and a couple of Cohibas!
-Santa

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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE!
- Jimmy

Jimmy,
That whiney-begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
- Santa

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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses’ asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
- Santa

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Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
-Santa

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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
- Santa

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Dear Santa,
I need more Harry Potter cards please! All my friends have more Harry Potter cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle

Dear Michelle,
It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
- Santa

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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who the fuck names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
- Santa

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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house!
- Santa

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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky"; that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in.
Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
- Santa

[alicecoopersgirl]

Recipe for xmas cake

The perfect way to make a Christmas cake

Ingredients
1 cup of water.
1 tsp baking soda.
1 cup of sugar.
1 tsp salt.
1 cup of brown sugar.
lemon juice.
4 large eggs.
nuts.
1 bottle Vodka.
2 cups of dried fruit.

Sample the vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shhstill OK.

Try another cup .... just in case

Turn off the mixerer.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a sdrewscriver

Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a sthit.

Check the vodka.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table ,fall over it oh bllkcs!

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven and p*ss in the fridge.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Tesh the vodka .. better have two teshts

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka
and kick the rabbits.

Fall into bed.

CHERRY MISTMAS! TO ALL my friends!!!!!!

[shreikster]

love the last one

[spirit]

some good dear Santas